Sweet Secrets

Just recently, Evie has learned about secrets. She loves coming up to people, telling them she has a secret for them, and whispering in their ears. She comes up to me and says "Mommy, I want to tell you a secret in your ear." Then, when I bend down and brush my hair away from my ear, she leans in close and whispers "Pss, pss, pss! I love you! Pss, pss!" Then she leans back with a grin and waits for my reaction. Usually what I respond with is "Oh, that was such a fun secret! I loved it! Can I tell you a secret?" She eagerly nods and brushes her own hair away from her cute little ear and stretches up so her ear is as close to me as she can get it. Then I bend down and whisper to her "Pss, pss, pss! You're my sweetheart, Evie, and I love you so much! Pss, pss, pss!" Her answering smile could power the sun. She'll then say something like "Yes, Mommy! That was a good secret!" and bounce away.

She's also learned a fun new way to melt my heart. I guess she's learning to pay more attention to the movies that she watches now because she was on the potty one day after watching "Tangled" (which she calls "The Big Hair"), and told me to come talk to her. When I knelt down in front of her, she said "Mommy, I love you very much!" and I said "I love you too, Evie." She responded with "No, Mommy, say 'I love you more!'" So I chuckled and said "I love you more, baby" and she cheered out "I love you MOST!!" I followed up with "Oh yeah? Well, I love you most!" and she looked at me very earnestly and said "No, Mommy! You say 'I love you more,' and I say 'I love you most!'" There was no arguing with her, so I conceded. A part of me knows that it's a little silly that she's quoting a Disney movie, but the rest of me is so touched by her obvious sincerity. We go through this little discussion all the time now, and it never gets old!

Glamour Girl

I have told Evie countless times not to play with my makeup. She's always liked having "lip cream" to keep her lips from getting dry or inflamed, and she's already stained a couple outfits by using my expensive lip gloss when she knows she's not supposed to. But apparently, that hasn't stopped her from watching me when I apply my makeup. This afternoon, it got too quiet. When I turned around to find Evie, I found her with my purse on her lap, unzipped, and my makeup scattered around her. Then I took a closer look at her, and this is what I saw:

At first I thought it was just the lip gloss, and then I realized that she'd put on mascara too. I had very mixed feelings. One part of me was angry that she'd ignored the rules and played with my lip gloss again, but the larger part of me was trying hard not to laugh out loud.

I am a little concerned, though. After all, I wear makeup. Not a lot, and not even every day, but I do usually have on mascara and lip gloss if I'm leaving the house. Evie watches me closely and asks me what I'm doing, and I don't know what to say to her. She looks up to me and wants to be just like Mommy, so I don't want to say "I'm putting on makeup to make myself pretty" because I don't want her to think that she needs to wear makeup to be pretty too. She's a beautiful little girl exactly the way she is, and I want her to know that. So what do I say to her? How do I teach her the true definition of beauty without feeling like a hypocrite because I'm still insecure enough to need my makeup to feel beautiful? How do I answer her questions honestly, but without potentially prematurely planting self-image issues into her innocent psyche?

Precious Moments

Just in the last month or so, I've shared some very special little moments with my girls. Each one was too small to share on its own, but I finally decided to collect them together into a single post so I don't forget the tiny precious moments that make motherhood so wonderful. 
On March 20th, the night before Evie's birthday, Elizabeth was unwilling to go to bed. Every time one of us put her down, she would immediately start crying. Finally, I got out of bed, picked her up, and just held her in my rocking chair. I didn't get upset or anything; I just took it as an opportunity to snuggle my little baby. I held her against my shoulder, and she snuggled into my neck and curled her little arm around to hold me tight. We stayed like that for several minutes, just rocking and snuggling in the dark. When I finally went to put her down, she squeezed my neck one more time before burrowing into her blankets and drifting to sleep. It was a very private moment for just the two of us: one I think we both needed. I'm grateful that I took the opportunity to be patient and let my daughter cling to her Mommy until she was really ready to let go.
Two days later, on March 22nd, Evie took a nap. That in itself is impressive since she's fought against bedtime for pretty much her whole life, and hasn't taken a regular nap in months. But this specific occasion was extra special because Evie fell asleep in my arms. This is my independent child, who has always preferred playing to letting me snuggle her. This time, though, she brought me her fuzzy blankie and let me hold her against my chest. A couple of minutes later, I noticed that she'd fallen asleep. I stayed very still and just savored the moment. They are becoming increasingly rare and I wanted to treasure what might very well be the last time my Evie girl falls asleep while I'm holding her. I'm grateful I got to just snuggle my little girl and feel the precious peace of the occasion surrounding us.
A couple of days after that, on that awful day when THE CRISIS happened, there was a tiny moment of sunshine amidst all of the darkness. When the social worker was sitting across from me, questioning my value as a mother, Ella climbed up on the couch next to me and, out of nowhere, gave me a kiss on my cheek. I treasure that memory because Elizabeth is much less demonstrative than her sister. Evie will readily give hugs and kisses, but Ella seems to need a bit more coaxing to demonstrate physical affection. So for her to kiss me, completely unprompted, at the very moment when I was feeling most dejected, it seemed like a clear sign that, regardless of anyone else's opinion, I was doing alright. I needed that right then, and I'm grateful that I was given such a priceless gift from my little one.
Last month, on April 19th, Todd and I went out to dinner at a little Mexican restaurant. I got up from the table to take Evie potty, and heard Elizabeth say (actually wail) her very first word as I left: "Mama!" I thought it must just be a fluke, but when I came back and sat down again, Ella said it again, this time as a statement. It was obvious to both Todd and me that this wasn't a random set of sounds; she was actually associating those sounds with me and was calling my name. I was so thrilled and honored that, out of all of the words out there that she could have chosen, my name was the first one she said!
More recently, just last week on May 1st, Ella was playing with Todd. They were playing peek-a-boo or hide-and-seek together. Ella was sitting on my lap on the couch while Todd hid behind it. When he popped up, she went into gales of laughter and they started all over again. If he took longer to pop up, she started to get concerned; she craned over the edge to look at him, instantly grinned, and pulled away so he couldn't catch her. This game of theirs went on for probably a half-hour, and neither of them seemed to get bored with it. It warmed my heart to see my little girl and her Daddy bonding and playing so happily together.
Finally, yesterday, we went to the zoo. The entire ride home, all I heard was laughter coming from both girls. I looked back just to see what was going on. They were holding hands and looking at each other and just giggling together. One of them would start giggling, seemingly for no reason, but then the other one would join in, and they would just feed off of each other the entire way home. My eyes actually welled up because it was such a beautiful happy sound. I loved hearing my sweet girls have so much fun together as sisters and as friends!

Springing

Oh, I am so ready for spring! I'm tired of the cold shadows and I'm craving bright colors, especially yellow, reflected in bright sunshine. So when I saw these bright yellow clothes in the store, I had to buy them for the girls' Easter outfits. On Easter morning, we dressed them in their new outfits and took them to church. When we got home, Elizabeth went down for a nap while Evie decorated some eggs with Mommy and Daddy.

While she finished with that, Todd and I hid candy-filled plastic eggs all around the back yard. We saved some aside for when Elizabeth woke up, but most of them were hidden for Evie. We armed her with a huge basket and let her loose! Following her around with my camera on video, I got some funny scenes!

Once all of the eggs were collected and opened, and Elizabeth had woken up, we moved around to the front porch to enjoy the bright, warm sunshine and the yummy treats. I must say, though, that as bright as the sunshine and the yellow clothes are, they are still dimmed by the brightness of my sweet girls' brilliant smiles!

Yesterday, a couple of weeks after Easter, our family had our pictures taken. Once again wearing their complementary yellow outfits, the girls looked very spring-like, and Todd and I dressed in white to match them. The girls cooperated with the photographer better than I even imagined, and as a result, we got some of my very favorite family pictures so far!

Oh, my girls are so sweet and pretty!

This is the first professional picture of just the two of us since our wedding almost 4 years ago!

And look what those 4 years have brought us!

20 bare piggy-toes, ready for spring!

Who could resist picking up such a sweetie?

I'm always amazed at how smart and funny Evie is.

She loves standing up now and showing off her new skill!

That's my happy girl!

And my other happy girl!

"Shhh! Don't tell anyone about how cute I am; it'll make all the other babies out there jealous!"

Our precious family.

She's been practicing cocking the one eyebrow.

Cute from every angle.

This grin sometimes seems like a permanent fixture of Evie's cute little face.

Sisters!

I'm always impressed that, despite their different coloring, it's obvious my girls are sisters.

I defy anyone to look at that face and not smile back.

I love the sweet innocence in those bright blue eyes!

A close-up of the cuteness!

Evie's turn in the chair.

I also love how such dark eyes can radiate such joy and light.

I can't remember my life before this smile started lighting it up!

Spring is now here, chasing away the shadows of winter. But I'm grateful that well before the weather turned warmer, I had such sunbeams in my family, lighting up my life!

The CRISIS

For a while now, I haven't known how--or even whether--to write this post. But this event has had a real impact on our family, and on me personally, and I feel the need to get it off of my chest so I can start to heal.

On the 25th of last month, the day after I posted the pictures of Evie's birthday party and her zoo trip, I was still coming down off of the high of a great week spent celebrating my little girl, when I got a knock on the front door. A lady standing on the porch identified herself as from social services and asked to come in. I sat down on the couch and felt my world crumble as she told me that someone "anonymously" called them to voice a concern for the well-being of my babies. I can't even remember everything she said; all I can remember is a whirl of words and phrases like "skeletal," "not eating enough," "no doctor visits," "tiny," "afraid," and "take away."

Let me side-step for just a minute to clear something up. I had been nursing Elizabeth exclusively for the first six months of her life, which is what I wanted to do for Evie, too, but hadn't been able to manage. So I was very proud of having succeeded in my goal with Elizabeth, but it was a fragile pride because I was still very nervous about failing to help her thrive. So I had made a joke to some friends and family that I was almost afraid to take her to the doctor in case she was still too little and the doctor got concerned enough to call social services to take her away. From what I can piece together, someone had taken my joke way too seriously, and had interpreted that to mean that I never took my babies to their pediatrician appointments. And instead of talking to me about their concern for whether or not Elizabeth (and Evie, too, it later came out) was getting enough to eat, this "well-meaning soul" had gone straight to the government to call me out.

At this point, I bless my mother-in-law. When she heard what was going on in the living room, she came out, sat next to me, and defended my actions as a mother to this lady while I was still wrapping my head around the nightmare that had become my life. She told the social worker that I was a great mother, and she saw all of the love and care and fun that I poured onto my kids on a daily basis. The social worker asked me questions about what I fed my children, and asked to see the baby food we were feeding Elizabeth. I had to show her the few remaining jars and explain that I was still mostly nursing. She asked me questions about how Todd and I dealt with disputes in our relationship and how we disciplined our children. I showed her my doctor charts with proof that I was, in fact, taking my children to regularly scheduled pediatrician appointments, and they were both current on their vaccines. She asked what my height was, as well as Todd's. She asked to see Elizabeth for herself, but Elizabeth was taking a nap. I somewhat sarcastically asked if she wanted me to wake my sleeping child for her, and she said yes. So I woke Elizabeth up from her nap and brought her upstairs to be judged. Evie had been playing quietly downstairs by herself and had apparently taken all of her clothes off, because she followed me up the stairs--stark naked. I was sure that her nudity was the final nail in my coffin. No one is going to let a mother keep children whom she can't even keep clothed, right?

Finally, after what felt like an eternity of hell, but what was probably only an hour, the social worker turned to me, and said that she still needed to have a phone conversation with Todd, but what she had seen and heard from me seemed sufficient to clear us of any concern. My babies didn't seem to her to be skeletal at all; in fact she thought they were perfectly fine, and seemed well-adjusted. After talking with Todd, and writing up her report, she would send us a copy of the report saying that the accusations had been looked into, and found to be baseless. However, we now have a permanent record of having social services visit us, even though we've done nothing wrong.

When she left, I was still shaking from the gamut of negative emotions coursing through me: anger, shock, terror, hurt, betrayal, outrage. I wanted to know who had done this to me, but I was also a little glad that I didn't because I've never been so furious in my entire life: who the hell does something like this?? Who did this person think he/she was? It's no one else's damn business how we raise our children! I felt so betrayed: whoever had done this was someone I had trusted, but they hadn't seen fit to talk to me in person about my own children. Instead, they had gone to an institution that I trust least of all--the government! I called Todd at work to let him know what had happened and to be expecting a call from social services, and he was silent until I started sobbing on the phone. I told him all that I was feeling, and that I had never felt so hurt because I had thought I was doing a pretty good job of being a good mommy--I would gladly die for my children!--but instead someone had come along and told me I was a bad mother. And in a quietly contained fury, he replied, "No, someone told the government that you're a bad mother. That's even worse!" He told me he loved me and would be home soon, then we had to hang up. I didn't have any idea what to do next, so I reached for the phone again and called my parents. My mom answered with "Hi, sweetie! How are you?" and I dissolved. I heard my dad pick up the other line as I poured out the whole story. I cried like I haven't cried since I was a little girl myself, and I could feel outrage mixed with love and concern for me radiating through the phone. When I was finally done talking, my mom simply said, "Well, we think you're a wonderful little mommy. We see how much you love those little girls, and we're so proud of the choices you've made." My dad said, "Yeah, and we're so sorry that someone betrayed you like this. I wish we were there and could give you a hug, because I know you could really use one. Be sure to get one from Todd when he gets home, and make sure to give one to him, too. I'm sure that he's hurting, too." Then they promised to keep us in their prayers, and we hung up.

After I got off the phone, I expelled my excess energy by cleaning the house like never before, in terror that the cops were going to show up at any moment, take a look at our living situation, and pry my daughters out of my arms. In fact, I had nightmares every night for a solid week that my precious girls were still going to be taken away. Even after the nightmares faded away, and we got the report in the mail, I was still hurting. I still had no idea who had done this, and so I had no idea who to trust. I had been really striving to make friends in the ward and to open up with nearby family, but I suddenly felt more isolated than ever before. Based on the wording of the accusations, we were sure the tattle-tale was either a member of Todd's family, or a member of our ward. Easter Sunday, we begged the bishop for a meeting. We told him what had happened, and asked for his help to discretely poke around to see if anything came out. He told us that he hadn't heard anything so far, and that if it had been someone in the ward, then it definitely should have gone through him before ever going to the government, but he agreed to keep his ear to the ground for us. Meanwhile, Todd and I quietly pulled aside our home/visiting teachers as well as each of his siblings and told them what had happened, watching closely for any flicker of guilt, but everyone seemed genuinely shocked and horrified.

Now, a month later, we still have no clues as to who it could be. We're trying to cautiously recover. We're going about our lives and trying to enjoy things as we used to, but it's hard for me. I still spend time with my friends, but I'm a lot quieter and keep a lot more to myself, which seems so foreign to me since I'm usually a bubbly, outgoing person. And I go through the motions of planning events and having fun with my family, but the kernel of joy and spontaneity is gone. Because, really, what's the point? Why should I give so much of myself so freely, when it could all be snatched away in an instant? An irrational part of my soul says that being a "good mommy" is what got me into this mess, so now I should just be mediocre and distance myself as much as possible. And in that way, I feel that this social services visit was a bit ironic: I think that the goal is to make parents and families better than before, but I feel like I'm a worse mother than before. The part of me that tries hard and gives a damn is in a coma, and I really hope that it can eventually feel safe enough to wake back up before it's lost forever.

Evie's Birthday Zoo Trip

On Evie's actual birthday, Todd took the day off from work, and we went to the zoo. Our sister-in-law, Jillian, met us there with her kids, and we did everything Evie wanted to do. We looked at the ducks floating in the water.

We saw the pink flamingos and tried to find the 5 still-slightly-fuzzy babies. Evie thought that they were awesome, and it took some doing to get her to move along to the next thing!

Apparently, Todd was on a bird kick because he and Jillian then wanted to take the kids through Bird World. The only trouble was that strollers aren't allowed inside, and Elizabeth was asleep, so I stayed outside with her while everyone else looked at all the birds.

Once we were all reunited, we passed by a fun sign that says "How Far Can You Jump?" Everyone took their turns jumping, which Evie really enjoyed--especially once Daddy helped her "jump" really far! Then, of course, he had to spend several minutes giving each girl a turn.

We had planned to ride on the zoo carousel, so that was our next stop. We had free tickets, so I took Evie on the ride while Todd stayed with Elizabeth and took pictures. Since Evie's favorite animals are lions, we found a big one on the very edge that wouldn't scare Evie by going up and down, and we climbed right up on "Simba." Jillian and Anya tried getting on a zebra close by, but Jillian wasn't able to get up, so they walked back to another one almost halfway around the carousel. That's when Evie decided she was done. The ride hadn't even started yet, and she was already chanting "I'm all done! I'm all done!" I kept telling her that we were going to have so much fun riding on Simba's back, but she kept trying to slide down. I had to wrap my legs around hers to hold her in place, and hold her hands around the pole to make sure she didn't fall off and get hurt. While the ride was going, she didn't cry or scream, but the entire time, she kept telling me "I'm all done! I'm all done!" Todd told me later that he could hear her every time we sailed past on Simba's back.

When the ride was finally over, we decided that we needed some lunch to steady our nerves. Usually we take our own food into the zoo, but in honor of Evie's birthday, we'd planned to pay the horrifically high prices at one of the restaurants. She got a slice of cheese pizza (which Todd ended up taking to work for lunch the next day!) and ate a total of two bites before mooching some of her Daddy's chicken strips. At about the time lunch was over, it started raining, so we hurried through the 20 feet of drizzle drops to the lion information building. They were having a lion feeding demonstration, and we wanted to make sure Evie could see the whole thing. It was really interesting learning about how big lions can get and how much they eat in a day. Evie was pretty much glued to the glass during the entire demonstration!

Then, despite the fact that it was lightly raining, we had to go around the lion exhibit to one of our favorite spots in the entire zoo: the lion enclosure. We wanted Evie to be able to have a good long communication with her lion buddies before heading home. Unfortunately, my camera's battery kept dying, so I didn't get very long videos, but some of the short ones I got were really fun to watch. One of my favorites happened just after the battery died again on the third video: the one lion tried to awaken the other one by nudging him in the face repeatedly with his paw. I was bummed that I missed catching it on camera!

Obviously, Evie had a great time hanging out with the lions. It was actually really difficult to pry her away so we could go home. I think, except for her 10-minute panic on the carousel, Evie really enjoyed all of her birthday trip to the zoo. We also really enjoyed having Jillian, Anya and William along for the trip! Happy Birthday, you silly two-year-old girly; Mommy and Daddy love you!

Evie's 2nd Birthday

I can hardly believe it, but my little girl is already 2 years old! Because her birthday wasn't until Thursday, we decided to have her party a couple of days early on Sunday so more of our family could come.

One of her girl cousins brought dress-up shoes to play with, and all of the girls put on a pair and posed for a picture!

I went to the Dollar Tree on my way home from church and picked up three fun Mylar balloons for her party. She was thrilled by the shine, by the bright colors, by the fun shapes. She loved that, with a single tug, she could bounce her balloons off of the ceiling, and she spent the better part of the afternoon doing just that! When her guests arrived, she took her balloons from person to person to show them off. 

When it came time to open presents, Evie climbed up onto the piano bench and eagerly reached for her first present. The first couple were from her Uncle John and Aunt Margot and their kids. They are some of her very favorite people, always making her laugh! Their first present was a DVD copy of "Peter Pan."

The second gift was a DVD copy of "Wreck-it Ralph," which I think her Daddy was more excited about than she was!

The next gift was from her Tia and her cousin Julia. They gave her a princess block castle, and she was very excited about the sparkly purple blocks!

Then it was time for presents from Mommy and Daddy. The first one was a couple of 2-pack Disney soundtracks: "Lion King" & "Lion King 2," and "Beauty and the Beast" & "The Little Mermaid." All three have gorgeous music, in fact they each have a Broadway musical based on them, and I know Evie will love dancing to the music.

Then she got a couple of the little growing girl statues: one for her first birthday, to catch up from last year, and another for her second birthday.

This next gift took me weeks to find! When I was growing up, my mom got me a Cabbage Patch doll named Bessie. She had curly blonde hair and blue eyes, and her birthday was the same as mine. She was a very special doll to me because she looked just like me! I wanted Evie to have that same feeling about a doll of her very own. I looked all over the internet for a doll that has dark blonde pigtails and brown eyes. Most of the dolls that fit that description were ugly and/or outrageously expensive. Even Cabbage Patch doesn't carry a doll that fit what I wanted. Finally, I found a really pretty doll that was reasonably priced and, even if she doesn't look exactly like Evie, she looks close enough to make Evie happy.
She's made by Little Mommy, a sub-company of Fisher-Price. She's part of the Sweet As Me toddler line, and she's a School's Cool doll. I've already named her Dinah in honor of Evie's favorite song when she was little: "I've Been Workin' On the Railroad." She has dark brown curly pigtails and hazel eyes. They're not quite the same as Evie's dark brown ones, but if Evie wants me to someday, I can always fix them with a Sharpie! :)

Next, Evie got two Disney Princess storybooks, each with 3 of the original Princess stories. Volume 1 has "Beauty and the Beast," the "Little Mermaid," and "Aladdin." Volume 2 has "Snow White," "Cinderella," and "Sleeping Beauty." Apparently, Volume 3 is coming out next year with "Princess and the Frog," "Tangled," and "Brave."

From her grandparents, Evie got a bottle of spill-proof bubbles and a fun pencil that has 3 different colors in its lead.

The last gift we gave Evie was a used play kitchen. A lady in the ward had given it to us right before Christmas, but we forgot to give it to the girls then, so we just saved it for Evie's birthday. To go along with it, we also got her a set of play food and put everything under the brown sheet that Evie pulled off for her big reveal.

For the last several months, every time I asked Evie what kind of cake she wanted she always said, "Pink." Chocolate or strawberry? "Pink chocolate." Light pink or dark? "Dark pink chocolate." Okie-dokie! I made her a chocolate cake and then spent forever coloring her frosting. No matter how much red coloring I put in, the pink never seemed dark enough. Finally, centuries later, it was pink enough to satisfy both of us, and was ready for sprinkles!
We've been practicing blowing for the last couple of months now, trying to help her be able to blow out her own candles. As you can see from the above video, it sort of worked. Evie was able to blow out the first candle by herself, but then it got tricky. Even with the help of her almost-3-year old cousin, Anya, Evie was unable to aim her air well enough to blow out that last candle. Finally, Daddy had to help, but I don't think she noticed. 

At the end of the night, Evie was a very gracious hostess: she saw all of her guests to the door and thanked them for coming to her party and for her giving her such fun presents!