Mommy Anxiety

This week, I discovered that I'm going to be that mom: the one who freaks out everytime I have to let my children grow up. I can see myself bawling on my kids' first day of kindergarten while I worry about bullies and whether they're going to do well in school. I can see myself crying when my daughters get asked on their first dates and panicking about whether the young men are going to take proper care of my girls. I can see myself sobbing after dropping my sons off at the MTC while I fret about the difficulty of their missions and whether or not we prepared them enough. I can see myself weeping when my kids go away to college and stressing about roommates and whether we've taught them well enough to stay out of serious trouble.

I'm already debating whether or not I really want to let Evie be born. On one hand, sometimes I just want her OUT, like when she kicked me so hard all Monday night that I woke up on Tuesday with bruised ribs, and she then decided to perch all day Tuesday right underneath my poor sore ribs. Or when I want her out so I can play with her and cuddle her or even just see what she looks like. On the other hand, my pregnancy has been super easy and I've loved it. It is so much fun feeling and watching my belly contort as Evie moves around. She already sometimes plays with her mommy: if I poke her twice, she'll kick me twice in the same spot; if I poke her three times, she'll kick me three times. It's a real hoot--I don't want to give that up! Besides, there are germs out there that might make my precious little one sick! Sometimes I think that it would be best if she just stayed in my belly forever where I can take care of her every need without worrying.

I am kidding, mostly. I know I'm being a little silly, but then I've always been fairly highstrung. My mom kept telling me during the beginning of my pregnancy that if I didn't calm down, I was going to have a heart attack and die before ever having my baby. My husband told me just the other day to calm down and stop worrying about the gender of our baby. I'd heard about a girl I know who just had her baby boy--after being told by the ultrasound technician that they were having a girl. Of course I immediately started panicking because we've received so many beautiful clothes for a girl from friends and family and we can't really afford to start over from ground zero. Todd assures me that everything will be okay, and I'm trusting him at this point.

With all of this spinning round my head, it finally clicked in my brain that I am going to be the mom that stresses about everything. I'd already accepted my excitability as an inherent part of myself, but never put it into that light before; it was a very uncomfortable realization. I'm a little afraid that I'm going to make Todd's life a living hell, but for right now I'm grateful for his quiet strength that gives me courage. Soon, I might even decide to let Evie be born. ;)