I'd been nursing Evie exclusively up until then, but the doctor suggested that I might have to start supplementing with formula. This really upset me because Todd and I had both agreed that breastfeeding was the best option for our babies: giving Evie the best nutrition possible, helping me bond with her, and saving money for us. We'd gone to several classes and learned as much as we could about how best to nurse babies. Of course, knowing something in theory doesn't necessarily mean that you know it in practice.
Unfortunately, we were sabotaged in our efforts pretty much from Day One. The day after I delivered Evie, the hospital lactation ladies came to help me nurse my baby. I was still exhausted and on pain pills, and I was literally seeing double. Todd was dozing on the pull-out couch. I tried really hard to concentrate, but I couldn't focus my eyes. The older lady would tell me how to hold Evie's head and how to angle my arm, etc. and then instead of helping me do it myself so I could actually learn, she did everything herself, all the time telling herself "Good job." Even when I managed to focus long enough to attempt it on my own, her hands were always in the way. I got really frustrated, but didn't know what to do. As if that wasn't enough, she told me that there was no way I would physically be able to nurse my baby on my own, so she gave me two sizes of nipple shields, which would supposedly help Evie latch on.
My friend, who had a similar problem, told me that using a nipple shield could actually make a woman's milk dry up if used long-term. We went to the WIC lactation consultant and she said pretty much the same thing. She gave me a latch-assist, which was sort of a little plunger that used suction to evert nipples and make it easier for babies to latch onto their mommies, and assured me that it would work better than the nipple shield. Todd and I wondered why that hadn't come up as an option while we were in the hospital. The tiny latch-assist was probably cheaper than the two nipple shields I was given, and would have been much more helpful at the outset. I tried nursing Evie naturally, and she seemed to be getting more food than before, but then she hurt me badly--a wound that took months to heal. That's when we went to the doctor and found out she was still losing weight. I assured him that I would do everything I could to make sure Evie was getting enough food, and that we'd already borrowed a hospital-grade pump from WIC.
I held on for another couple of days, but then my finals hit. I didn't have the time to pump as often as I needed to, and still study. Finally, Todd offered to give her a bottle of the pre-mixed formula sample we'd been given. I said yes, and cried brokenheartedly while he fed it to her. I couldn't even look at her because she didn't seem like my baby anymore: "You are what you eat," and until that point, she'd only eaten from/of me; once she ate something foreign, she seemed foreign. When I was finally able to hold her again, all I could do was apologize for failing her. Her breath, which had always been sweet and milky, smelled...wrong, and I just cried.
Todd and I tried everything we could, but I just couldn't seem to overcome my inertia. Once we gave her formula, my brain shifted into thinking that she didn't need me anymore. I pumped, but it didn't seem as important as before. We bought a Breastflow bottle to teach Evie to nurse, hoping she could learn fast enough to get back onto a Mommy-only diet, but my body couldn't keep up with her appetite. It didn't help that we were traveling to visit our family in different places and everyone wanted to feed the baby. Sadly, they wouldn't give her the bottle the way we told them to, so she would get food with practically no effort, which was counter-productive. Of course, everyone felt the urge to lecture me on the benefits of breastfeeding, which just made me feel worse. I was still injured, and nursing Evie hurt a lot.
Finally, one day, we flipped a switch. Evie magically learned how to latch on to me without hurting me, and seemed to be swallowing quite a bit. I hoped against hope that everything would finally work out, but the damage had been done. My supply was dropping, despite everything I was doing. I even earned my personal pump from WIC (if you held on for 6 weeks, and promised to never accept formula for that child from WIC, they'd give you your very own, brand-new NICE pump to keep!) and tried to keep up with Evie, but my body was 2 months behind and would never catch up.
I doggedly kept at the nursing, giving her what I could and giving her formula for the rest, but what I managed to give her wasn't enough to really make a dent in how much formula we were giving her. Really, she was just using me for a pacifier and falling asleep. Finally, last week I gave up. She was only getting drops from me anyway, and I DID manage to hold on for 4 months. I know it isn't the ideal 6-12 months, but I tried my best for my little girl. My best just didn't cut it.
At least now we know where we went wrong, and we can do it better next time. We've learned from our experiences with Evie, and I'll hopefully be better able to nurse my next baby the way I so desperately wanted to with her. And it's not like this has irrevocably damaged her, either: both Todd and I were formula-fed babies, and we turned out just fine! So will she because she has a Mommy and a Daddy who love her and will do everything they can to take care of her. She's a healthy little baby--a little on the small side, but that's to be expected with little people like Todd and me as her parents--and she has adorably kissable chubby cheeks. She's even learning how to hold her own bottle now! :D
Unfortunately, we were sabotaged in our efforts pretty much from Day One. The day after I delivered Evie, the hospital lactation ladies came to help me nurse my baby. I was still exhausted and on pain pills, and I was literally seeing double. Todd was dozing on the pull-out couch. I tried really hard to concentrate, but I couldn't focus my eyes. The older lady would tell me how to hold Evie's head and how to angle my arm, etc. and then instead of helping me do it myself so I could actually learn, she did everything herself, all the time telling herself "Good job." Even when I managed to focus long enough to attempt it on my own, her hands were always in the way. I got really frustrated, but didn't know what to do. As if that wasn't enough, she told me that there was no way I would physically be able to nurse my baby on my own, so she gave me two sizes of nipple shields, which would supposedly help Evie latch on.
My friend, who had a similar problem, told me that using a nipple shield could actually make a woman's milk dry up if used long-term. We went to the WIC lactation consultant and she said pretty much the same thing. She gave me a latch-assist, which was sort of a little plunger that used suction to evert nipples and make it easier for babies to latch onto their mommies, and assured me that it would work better than the nipple shield. Todd and I wondered why that hadn't come up as an option while we were in the hospital. The tiny latch-assist was probably cheaper than the two nipple shields I was given, and would have been much more helpful at the outset. I tried nursing Evie naturally, and she seemed to be getting more food than before, but then she hurt me badly--a wound that took months to heal. That's when we went to the doctor and found out she was still losing weight. I assured him that I would do everything I could to make sure Evie was getting enough food, and that we'd already borrowed a hospital-grade pump from WIC.
I held on for another couple of days, but then my finals hit. I didn't have the time to pump as often as I needed to, and still study. Finally, Todd offered to give her a bottle of the pre-mixed formula sample we'd been given. I said yes, and cried brokenheartedly while he fed it to her. I couldn't even look at her because she didn't seem like my baby anymore: "You are what you eat," and until that point, she'd only eaten from/of me; once she ate something foreign, she seemed foreign. When I was finally able to hold her again, all I could do was apologize for failing her. Her breath, which had always been sweet and milky, smelled...wrong, and I just cried.
Todd and I tried everything we could, but I just couldn't seem to overcome my inertia. Once we gave her formula, my brain shifted into thinking that she didn't need me anymore. I pumped, but it didn't seem as important as before. We bought a Breastflow bottle to teach Evie to nurse, hoping she could learn fast enough to get back onto a Mommy-only diet, but my body couldn't keep up with her appetite. It didn't help that we were traveling to visit our family in different places and everyone wanted to feed the baby. Sadly, they wouldn't give her the bottle the way we told them to, so she would get food with practically no effort, which was counter-productive. Of course, everyone felt the urge to lecture me on the benefits of breastfeeding, which just made me feel worse. I was still injured, and nursing Evie hurt a lot.
Finally, one day, we flipped a switch. Evie magically learned how to latch on to me without hurting me, and seemed to be swallowing quite a bit. I hoped against hope that everything would finally work out, but the damage had been done. My supply was dropping, despite everything I was doing. I even earned my personal pump from WIC (if you held on for 6 weeks, and promised to never accept formula for that child from WIC, they'd give you your very own, brand-new NICE pump to keep!) and tried to keep up with Evie, but my body was 2 months behind and would never catch up.
I doggedly kept at the nursing, giving her what I could and giving her formula for the rest, but what I managed to give her wasn't enough to really make a dent in how much formula we were giving her. Really, she was just using me for a pacifier and falling asleep. Finally, last week I gave up. She was only getting drops from me anyway, and I DID manage to hold on for 4 months. I know it isn't the ideal 6-12 months, but I tried my best for my little girl. My best just didn't cut it.
At least now we know where we went wrong, and we can do it better next time. We've learned from our experiences with Evie, and I'll hopefully be better able to nurse my next baby the way I so desperately wanted to with her. And it's not like this has irrevocably damaged her, either: both Todd and I were formula-fed babies, and we turned out just fine! So will she because she has a Mommy and a Daddy who love her and will do everything they can to take care of her. She's a healthy little baby--a little on the small side, but that's to be expected with little people like Todd and me as her parents--and she has adorably kissable chubby cheeks. She's even learning how to hold her own bottle now! :D
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