Parenthood

Last night, while I was lying in bed and talking to Todd, I had an epiphany. It happened when I asked him if he was ready to do it all again with another baby. His reply kind of surprised me: "Does it matter?" I told him that I don't know if I'm ready. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, and the ride's starting. I'm slowly, oh so slowly, inching up the hill, and I'm almost to the top. I know that as soon as I get up there, I'll pause for one quick, eternal moment, and then I'll suddenly be flung into a dizzying series of ups and downs, and whirl around and back around. I won't be able to catch my breath until I'm suddenly jerked to a stop when the ride ends. I know all this, and I'm scared. I sometimes ask myself why I even got in line for this ride in the first place; I don't like roller coasters!
That's when the epiphany hit. I really was describing parenthood! Right now, 34 weeks along in my pregnancy, I'm still on that slow climb up the hill. But I'm almost there. I'm at the scariest part of the ride, the part where I can anticipate everything that's yet to come, but I don't know for sure what will happen. What makes it even scarier is that I've been on a similar ride before, with Evie, so I know just how fast everything will come at me. But at the same time, this is a slightly different ride than the one I went on last time. I have no idea what order the ups and downs will come in. I don't have any real idea what being a Mommy to two little girls under the age of two will be like. I can't turn back; I'm already strapped into my seat, and I'm moving inevitably forward. The next phase is the top of the hill, full of potential energy. The idea of cresting that hill scares me to death, though. With Evie, my labor was induced, so I have never experienced what it's like to go into labor spontaneously and naturally. Even though I've already been through the birth process once before, I don't really know what to expect this time around. When I finally give birth to my daughter and hold her in my arms, there will be one single moment of peace and calm, but that event is the catalyst for the rest of the ride. That moment launches us into the role of parents to two babies. How do I juggle the needs of two little ones? How can I give each of them the time, attention, and love that they deserve? What if one of them gets sick? What if Elizabeth isn't as easy a baby as Evangeline was? What if Evangeline gets jealous of her little sister? Why did I think that I was ready for this? Am I ready for this? Can I be the Mommy that I need to be?
Then I think about the last ride I went on. I'm pretty sure I had similar misgivings at the start of that ride, too. In fact, I know I did, but look how that turned out. Sure, there were some scary moments, but for the most part, it was lots and lots of fun! I've loved being Evie's Mommy. She's a pleasure and a joy to everyone she meets. Why would her sister be any different? She has the same parents! I'm sure that we'll have some adjustments to make when she first gets here, but then it'll feel like she's always been an indispensable part of our lives. I'll learn how to juggle my babies and their schedules. If one of them gets sick, we'll deal with it, just like we'll deal with cranky babies and jealous toddlers. There's no real point in looking for trouble before it finds us. I know there will be lows, but we'll just deal with them when they come and look forward to the highs in the meantime. Because there will be highs, too. There will be smiles, and giggles, and hugs, and sweet baby kisses. There will be milestones, big and little, to cheer for all over again. There will be a forever family, full of love and joy.
Yes, I'm still looking forward to the future with some apprehension, and a dash of sharp terror thrown in for good measure. I think that's an inherent part of the last trimester of pregnancy, when it all starts becoming real. And I still hate roller coasters in real life. But I'm also looking forward to this little girl joining our family. I'm looking forward to my exhilarating, joyful, and wondrous ride as Mommy of this family until my journey finally ends along with my life. And even then, our family will endure to the end--eternally bound together. I think I'm finally ready.