This morning when I was playing with Evie, I had an epiphany. The thought suddenly occurred to me that one reason to have families is to better understand different facets of time. Allow me to elaborate.
When I was single, I was always working towards the END of something: the end of a school/workday, the end of a project, the end of high school, the end of my engagement, the end of college, etc. Even when things were hard, I learned to just grit my teeth and wait until I was finished. The here and now was only important as a means to the end. Really, I spent most of my life waiting for something specific to happen, and when it did, I started waiting for something else.
When I got married, Todd and I were sealed for all of eternity, and my perspective changed. Suddenly, there wasn't an end to work towards anymore. I have to make things work for the long term: not just 50 years or even a thousand years, but FOREVER. I can't just sit back and wait for my marriage to become perfect because marriage is a constant work-in-progress and is always changing. If I let Todd do all of the work while I only wait for things to happen, my marriage will fail. We have to move forward together on an endless road, and it's a good thing I have my sweet companion with me every step of the way!
When I had Evie, my perspective shifted yet again. Overnight, I went from waiting eagerly for the end of my pregnancy to craving every moment I experience NOW. Instead of wishing for time to fly by like I used to, I pray that it will stop, or at least slow down. I need to cherish every little thing Evie does now, because the day is swiftly approaching when those precious little things will be discarded forever in favor of "bigger" things. I used to laugh when parents warned me that children grow up in a single blink of the eye, but it's true! I'm scared to fall asleep at night because Evie is always a little bigger when I wake up. I realize that she's still only 5 months old, but those 5 months feel like they've gone by with a snap of my fingers.
I'm always juggling all three of these concepts of time in my head, and I'm starting to feel a little ragged. I always have that long-term view in the back of my head, dreading the day Evie leaves the nest. At the same time, I still look forward to the END of some things, like our poverty when Todd will find a job, or the wait until we can celebrate Evie's first Christmas with our family. I also have to focus on the very long-term concept of an eternal family, and try my best to keep us all together FOREVER. I also need to focus on the very short-term concept of raising a child through every moment she experiences right NOW and will experience as she grows from a sweet infant to a self-sufficient adult.
All of these thoughts are giving me a new insight into the phrase "endure to the end." I guess that I need to embrace everything happening NOW, but also be excited for when new things happen, even if that means that old things END, and take every day as one more step on the road of FOREVER.
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